Saturday, May 16, 2015

Admission Suite (a sequence of mad poems rediscovered)




Admission Suite

~blood whimsy is testimony too~

The poems that follow were written in the days just before, and just after, I was admitted to St. Joseph’s Hospital, Hamilton, in November 1977, diagnosed with acute schizophrenia.  (When I re-entered psychiatric treatment in 1990, after more than a decade avoiding it, I was told that the initial diagnosis had been incorrect, that instead I had bipolar disorder.) After the last untitled poem, the Red Book—a thick hardbound book with unlined pages and a pebbly red cover, which I had been rapidly filling with writing and drawings—went blank white. It stayed that way. I was, I’m told, completely catatonic for a time and then intermittently so (I have relatively few, and very fragmented, memories of the eighteen months that followed).  I didn’t resume writing until 1979, some weeks after my discharge. I used a new notebook. The poem “fruit bat,” appropriately in the middle of the sequence, was written while I rode the bus from Toronto to Hamilton to be admitted, after doctors at North York General had stitched up the deep lacerations I had made in my abdomen—my “self-Caesarean”—and elsewhere on my body. It is a wonder to me that I wrote the seven poems after it, given the regimen of heavy tranquilizers I was started on immediately. But ingrained habits die hard, and for a short time, drug uptake did battle with an artistic outpouring. It was after I’d showed these poems to staff, I’m also told, that hebephrenia—betokening radical incoherence, a childish beyond-reachness—became a stable entry on my chart. But these poems seem cogent to me, even now: in the sense (what other sense is there?) of giving expression to what I was experiencing at the time: of commenting meaningfully on my situation. If they did not push up against the bounds of what is communicative at least as often as they do, given their origins, I would have to disavow them. Rather than sheer nonsense, they seem like the best last flares of a mind going under. The last, the envoy-like “(untitled),” even reads like a memo from that departing self, hinting at a return—though a return not possible to believe in at the time, and delayed far beyond hoping. 


 (i)

What If a Man

what if a man should wake one morning
with white and trembling hands
his hair composed
(literally) of vanishing filaments
and his bones
rattling—rhythm
of seeds in a gourd

and what if this same man
feeling as angry
but also as carefree and sequent
as an acorn
dropped from a branch

should see his wife
standing in the doorway
and think only

of poppy seeds, scattering

would not this man soon give signs
he had developed
unholy loves and fears

  
(ii)

Self-Hate

cast your prejudicial eye
into the sea. as it falls
mumble something bitterly
about an eyepiece that floats.


(iii)

Rescue Attempt

i had an aunt with a heart condition
who lived in Saint John’s.
so i took the bus to see her
but the driver talked so much about his daughter

living in sin
that we both decided to go there
and bring her back instead.
i had no clear idea how to get there

and he only knew it was a harrowing place
full of inversions.
so we asked a boy with a chestnut on a string
who was playing

but he cracked me on the head with the chestnut
and said nothing.
i asked the driver if this was rude
and he agreed to help me whip him.

afterwards he asked me if i was hungry
and i said yes.
so we flayed a cucumber in the striped sun
and ate it.


(iv)

New Friends

      vase, milk,
      salt,
the coat in the hall;
      perfunc

     tory rows
of wine bottles: glass skins
     emptied
     by the

slender meshing of friends.
     now: cotton
     shirts, books,
pictures and windows: ancillary friends.

     after twenty
     years, a
tide has gone out. i am alone:
a delicate saw of bone under a bone sky.


(v)

Fishcleaning

i gut the slim forms you pass
me in silence:
            bass
            perch
            bullhead (black
            and pin-eyed)

puckish sunfish
bleeding a red dawn

pike. pike last. slashes
around the gills, and the river boa
shivers. he vomits up a minnow
and the little corn-coloured whelp
lies curled, inside the
scythe teeth.

as the guts are wrenched free and flung away
the pike’s jaw sags.

the wind
          scoots up a windstorm of scales.
                                                      the minnow

falls into the grass.          


(vi)

Fruit Bat

you called me mad:  when i hung upsidedown in a fruit
                                     tree whistling for fruit

you called me mad:  when winter came and i still
                                     hung black and folded

you called me mad:  when the wind shrieked and my 
                                                                       wings
                                     beat against my body for warmth

you called me mad:  when springsummerfall 
                                     the black pendent hung

you called me mad:  when i starved but couldn’t leave
                                     and sharp teeth gnawed my own belly


(vii)

Nightmare

itches

the body sends its prickling missive
warning of the skin-web and the filth of the spider
sitting hairy-legged where the hair was
holding the head rigid preparing to suck
the mouth an incredible jelly-bag of filth

SHAKE IT SHAKE IT SHAKE IT smear it into the pillow
churn its boneless malevolence into pulp
and fall back gasping into sleep

WAKE what seems seconds later to a new battle
a struggling of planes of sheet skin and darkness
a horrible dance of angles
the greatest most noiseless intersections clanging
                                                      like snow

hairball life drops suddenly and runs scuttling
across the room holding his ears
in fear in anger he begins to eat
he eats the furniture the wall he eats bill
sleeping next to me he eats all
he eats the meat hunched down over darkness
right down to the bone of light
a handsome gleaming bone of rapidly accumulating
                                                                        flesh

so exhausted i lay my head next
to this the day’s expanding muzzle
and am soon swallowed whole into sleep


(viii)

A Paltry Wakefulness

i wake on a psychiatric ward
amazed to notice my bottom becoming
soft, less definitely globed
sloping as stately as a woman’s

                           —hospital “food”!

visitors, visitations—
violet cauliflowered exhalations of pipe smoke

there is a film in front of my eyes
coming from my eyes
as if a grasshopper had attached to those skeins
and hopped away erratically
randomly unravelling them

(these are deep soft wounds)

i feel like thin metal
twisted under Giacometti’s fingers
to a stalk of fibrous leaning in space

but the bitterest irony is the self
imitating itself at every level
until even emptiness fails to inhabit

fails to be more real
than shard of slivered light
thrown from the throat

to be caught by the eyes and cloned into space


(ix)

Failed Inventory

the chair chaired the meeting

the pen penned the minutes
the ball balled the minutes into time

the pattern patterned itself
the colour coloured the pattern
the light lighted the colour

the colour coloured the light
the house housed secrets
the earth unearthed them
the space spaced the house from the earth

the fish fished in the river
the sand sanded down the rock
the rock rocked underneath
the I————

what does it do? i cried to the
chair pen ball pattern colour light
colour house earth space fish sand rock

but none of them could stop what they were doing to
                                                                answer
and the I the I the I the I

eyed everything nervously


(x)

The 1st Order of Genius

the 1st order of genius can extract huge sums with a
                                                           flourish
the 2nd order wanders through a labyrinth in his
                               nightshirt carrying a candle
the 3rd order is a more servile courtier. he reads
at home to his kids while golden hooves flash in
                                                              his head
the 4th order has a tiered trachea, able to swallow
anything. he is called cudbag, but he eats
                                                      adjectives
the 5th order appears at the corner of your vision
and walks across it, a nimble and professional
                                                               motion
the 6th order says cuntshitprick how i hate to get up
                          in the morning and falls dead

there are many more orders of genius. while still
a gambolling freeloader in my mother’s womb, i counted
millions of them. others have documented them more
                                            thoroughly than i.


(xi)

Listen Paper

don’t call me honest. just flash the blade
that fetches an exact smear.

don’t set me up either as wise: my head is only my
neck looking in one direction.

paperglass scissorsstone, i love all sided things:
if i thought truth was round shit
i would sew up my asshole
and take to painting like a cubist.

i admit: what is clear
i encase in clear amber, hardening the illusion.

scissors stone, love is good. perhaps
because the cunt is warm and the cock is long
enough. goodday.


(xii)

Fish Live in the Toilet

Fish live in the toilet,
They come up to see me.
Fish live in the toilet,
How they flash merrily!


(xiii)

(untitled)

a madman cut and blessed the air
and read each day from a book of prayer

when he reached the last page out he fled
“you must write another book” it said






Saturday, May 9, 2015

Watch




Watch

Unzipped from dark
it is seven minutes slow,
half a minute lost

for each month off your wrist.
I hesitate, then sever
the plastic tag, your name                      

in a stranger’s hand.
On my wrist the metal
cool. Finding warmth, it tingles.      



Sunday, May 3, 2015

The Men




The Men
 
Giant limbs glimpsed through steam, dangling
slab-muscled bodies so unlike your own, white  
as the birch logs they, laughing, send you outside,         
naked and important in the chill dusk, to poke
through a hole in the hut’s burning belly, beneath   
orange-gilled rocks. Pink-slatted too, those
great flanks, welted as if branded or flailed, pink       
as woodland flowers you may have glimpsed, pink
as parts of women you haven’t dreamed of yet.
Lake Nipissing, when you run with them whooping
into it, feels—just cool. Start of May. The ice ten
days out. Sauna is that strong a sorcerer. Keeping the
black lake back, then letting it creep in, and in, until,   
a long half-minute, ice-jar shock makes you splash
and holler and run howling up the snow-striped muddy
slope to dipper and steam, radiant rock cradle.

Dreams so single then: to play as a utility forward
on the Montreal Canadiens’ fourth line. To kiss
Kathy Lawrence. The trick with dreams, you sense
without thinking, is to shorten their distance from
reality, trim the fuse-chopped gap to crossable. But  
life more mountain-strange than dreams, more       
chock and various its constant drops and vistas.  
Those men, one my father, both gone now. And
yet as they live in the sweating mist, young enough
to be my sons, though I have had no children.
Dreams, shy deer, pick unseen places in the woods
to curl upon themselves and join soft dark. After      
ransack years, skirting death upon a narrow
wobbly beam, you become an ink man, poised to
spot the drop where steam and ice-water kiss.          




Sunday, April 26, 2015

Sipping Coffee by an April Window, 5:30 AM, the First Thyme Sprouts Clearing the Soil in the Starter Tray on the Ledge



Sipping Coffee by an April Window, 5:30 AM, the First Thyme Sprouts Clearing the Soil in the Starter Tray on the Ledge

Being a basket case so long so young, and then
     recurrently ever since—nothing
to wish on anyone...still, the anguish of
     prolonged early dark can (at best)
deform the programmed heart toward lit spaces,

i.e. toward unstriven joy and thankful observance.
Barred from youth’s healthy oblivion       
     and outthrust, one inspects (unless
left eyeless) the givings inside a smaller circle.  
Learns, prematurely, the splendour of sipping  

     a cup of joe right-mindedly:      
knowing what you feel, feeling where you are.
Breathing for some minutes without panic.
     Without desire for else.
Where not mere slag or shard, mind forges strong

caution by having to ask, second by second:
     Is this true? Is this so?
It kills, of course, this grateful vigilance, normal
drives and pathways to success (or their
     originary lack helped steer

the first sirens?) and—a deeper loss— 
the means of sharing others’ dreams other
     than with courteous sympathy, as   
shimmering mirages you’ve seen too, and yes,
     felt their swoony blue pull.               

Miniature green violins emerge from glistening black, 
     tiny tuning knobs first. First lights
come on in the Latimer, early shifts. These are
the great, permanent gains. And against what
     losses really? Buzzings in and out

     of the dry gray cone of conformity—                
ceaseless crawlings of alien thoughts, alien desires.   
Milky light makes it through thick cloud, hovers
     silkily above the yet-unburied, urging
them gently up. This late spring patient, undeterred.  



Tuesday, April 21, 2015

After Another Failed Poem




After Another Failed Poem

The people you love—
they’ve known it?
Felt it in their bones?

Then you’ve been eloquent.
A master
of the first, the oldest school.



Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Jaguar Oscillations




Jaguar Oscillations. YMCA Parking Garage, 
27 February 2015, 3:50 PM.

Just hours ago a jaguar
stalking a fresh insight through emerald
                                    beaded grass,

I’m stuck now behind another stupidly
                                    big car,
tense all over, about to start cursing,

as the Expedition or Armada or Sequoia
                                    or whatever
twelve-points out of a normal-sized spot.

Liberating wisdom’s no more durable
than these farts of exhaust that envelop
                                    my windshield

and dissipate. Perpetual oscillation.
What else could days possibly be?      

               

Friday, April 10, 2015

Bliss




Bliss

Some things I’ve talked about with my students
this past week:

When and why and how to sit
still.
Reasons to wash your hands
after using the toilet.
The Great Oxidation Event.
Since anaerobic bacteria like awful places and
excrete oxygen why we don’t send spaceships of
them to Mars and other planets to build atmospheres
for us.
What chickens see when they look at us.
Waiting for Godot. Why nothing keeps happening.
If nerve impulses are electro-chemical why
not construct nerve-pack generators.
What it means to say People should be treated
as ends not means.
Making a Rainbow Loom bookmark.
How not to fear death without believing in God
or an afterlife.
Why manga characters, baby animals and super-
models have big eyes.
Jane Eyre’s I must begin a new
existence amongst strange faces and strange scenes.
The meaning of disdain. Gastroenterologist. Psyche.
Factors affecting radicalization in British prisons.
Narrative criticisms of Alice’s Adventures in
Wonderland.
The need to keep clean so someone will love you.
Hew versus hue.
Being less original than your sister.

Come home to an email:
Wouldn’t it be bliss
to shove the dayjob
and just focus totally on writing?!!